Thursday, February 24, 2011

Blog moved!

Head on over to for my updated blog life.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Change is a foot... or a new blog

I am all about resurrection.

So I found my old blog address (yes, I can remember old passwords) and decided to switch this blog over there. I feel like I have found a new voice, a new place, and a new direction. So I am choosing honesty. But switching blog names I feel like I am taking that next step to revealing the whole me to the whole world. I like to hide. It helps shield me from hurts, pains, anxiety, etc.But it also shields me from community, peace, and redemption.

So old blog become new! So go ahead and add my redeemed twitter @theopaulson and come on over to the new blog for fun and some new ventures.

Finding my voice

This blog has always been about finding my voice. Finding the real me amidst the noise of depression, fear, anxiety, weight issues, and debt. Well, I have found a very weak path. One that is not well worn. Dimly lit, if lit at all. I am parked at the trail head, I have scoped out the entrance and barely put my foot on the path.

I thought this blog would be a 2-3 year process for me of getting out debt, getting my weight down, and finding hope and joy again. Well, let's just say I feel better, I have some savings, and I haven't gained weight yet this year... so working on it.

BUT, I have found a new lease on life and I want to walk past the negativity that this part of my life has brought. I want to look backwards and see the great land of change I have had in my life this past year (and past 6 years really) and begin taking day by day towards my new future.

So, I am setting up my old blog. Resurrecting it really. The hope is that I sling my pack on and start heading down the trail with a bit of gusto.

Despair, for me, comes when the future seems so far ahead and the past so daunting.

My counselor has encouraged me to sit and reflect on my past. On the great amount of change I have had just this past year. A real breakthrough to be honest. This blog was meant to live in the moment and to find out where I went. Well, I think I found the old me and its time to let him out. To live again. So my new blog will be focusing on my reflections of the past, my musings, theories, and ideas about the future, and personal life.

The PF blogs changed my life and helped me find freedom. So I thank you awesome people. I wanted to change my blog so as to put myself in a broader context now. We shall see if I get any readers (I might let my mom know my blog address now), but I know this. I am free again. Barely. But free again.

Ted Paulson coming soon.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


We got the call. You know the kind. The kind you dread and never want.

My wife picks up the phone... "We are taking your mom to the hospital".

My mother in law was admitted to the hospital last week. My wife and I drove the kids to my parents house and then went south to the hospital.

You see, my mother-in-law has never been sick. Maybe a cold here or there, but nothing more than that. The only times she has been in the hospital was for the birth of her children.

And the news was not great. Her body was attacking itself. The doctors did not know what was wrong. And my wife and I caught on that the doctors and nurses thought it could be something really bad.

Then something great happened: The diagnosis.

The truth brought such relief. A simple blood auto-immune disease. Treatable. Scary. But on the level of scary- more like bad teen horror movie scary.

Life is precious and there are so many times where we take it for granted or just get misguided in our attempts to live. We cling to things that don't matter, even with great intentions.

My mother in-law should be fine in a few weeks. A little bed rest, some slow recovery, and she will be back to her peppy self.

My wife and I, yeah, breathing a sigh of relief. We hugged our kids a bit tighter when we saw them again and drove a little more quietly home.

Friday, May 7, 2010


So I went to the library yesterday.

It is part of my road to my doctorate. I went to begin studying Sociology journals in hopes of understanding the conversation of scholars and, in a sense, find my own voice and direction.

It was incredibly frightening to me and I found excuses not to go until yesterday. My wife and I are trying to face the fears in our life to quit letting small little buggy things get in the way of realizing our dreams.

There is a large Community College nearby us with a very large library. Its really nice and a great place to go and get some quiet. And they have 2-3 journals I want to read.

I don't know how many of you read academic journals for fun, but it is pretty scary to open them up. I was just hoping I could understand them without getting bored.

Well, good news. Not only could I understand them, it was fun! Yes fun. Homework is great when you do it because you want to. I learned a lot in a few hours time. And I loved it.

I left inspired. I know I am on the right track, but I feel so daunted. A lot has to happen between now and whenever I apply. A ton of doors need to be opened that I have no control over. And my counselor says I love to be in control. I can work hard, do everything right, and still not get accepted. Still be stopped from doing what I want and would love to do.

But this whole blog has been a re-awakening experience for me. A way to get my thoughts on "paper" and test them outside of myself. Thoughts on finance, weight, depression, stress, and poverty issues. Phew. I have seen myself change way more rapidly then I had ever imagined. Yet, I still feel like the tasks I have ahead of me are daunting and frankly, scary.

Welp, too bad cruel anxiety weirdness holding me back. I am moving forward, hoping to see the light amidst the cracked darkness.